Fat Happy?
My sadness and lack of self-esteem as a fat person comes from my dysfunctional family interactions. There was defiantly no couch time for emotional talk at home nor was their an explanation for being called a fat pig by my mom or dad. Although I understand now, that is was their archaic sense of humor. Theirs still a huge sadness that takes over my body when I see fat people. I just feel so sad for them. I recall how much I hated myself when I was fat and think they must feel the same way. I recall all the ugly faces, rude comments and insults I went through. I watch them carefully on the street as if I am observing a painting. I look for any indications to prove my assumptions correct; they must be sad. But they smile at me as if everything is fine. As if being huge is normal. Was I the victim of a fat-people-picked-on-fad that vanished? Maybe now, maybe today people are cool with it. Maybe it’s okay to be fat. Maybe you can be fat happy. Maybe the world looks beyond the fat and at who people really are. But is that ever the case? How many relationships are initiated by how good we look? How many good mornings are passed your way? It’s sad to say I’m meeting beautiful people now that wouldn’t have given me a second of their time if I were fat. We walk together on the street and as we pass a big person they whisper in my ear “Hey Rocky look at that fat cow!” My facial expression indicates that I find them funny.
Fat Happy?
September 24th, 2009HELLO WORLD!
September 6th, 2009I have been reading all the emails I get. I am so happy I can offer inspiration to people all over the world (even schools in Germany, WOW!). I’m sad to say for some reason my mailbox deleted all my webhosting emails, which means I can’t personally reply to those emails you sent in the past. However I just want to say they all touched me, from a guy battling cancer, to a woman finding herself again, I wish you all the best of luck. If anything I just want people to see life as a mission to leave inspiration. Because in the end, your money, your houses, your jewels are all meaningless. It’s the influence and impact you had on people that mean everything. Love you all so much! And remember let each day be a new day. –Rocky
(also, I’m finally starting to put my book together, it is about overcoming obesity and all the luggage that came with it.) Follow my progress and life on this blog.)
Listen to Me on WNYC (93.9FM) Saturday July 11 at 4pm
July 11th, 2009NEW YORK, NY July 10, 2009 —As a little kid, Samr “Rocky” Tayeh was the adorable, chubby boy at home; but at school classmates called him “Barney”, the big purple dinosaur. Rocky didn’t hide in a corner and wait for the bullying to stop, he learned how to use his sharp tongue to shut other kids down, but sometimes he takes it too far. Rocky heads out to a park in Brooklyn to talk with kids about how they survive teasing. Radio Rookies Special
http://www.wnyc.org/news/articles/136348
Busy
June 12th, 2009After graduating from high school I got accepted to a number of really great colleges. However because I weighed 540 pounds fitting in a normal desk was a dream. In high school I had special desks in all my classes. However I was going to go through that torture of being the odd one. So I took two semesters off and lost a lot of weight. Now finally back in college I am making it my mission this summer to get through my biggest hurdle, math! For the next month I am going to be studying like crazy! So I am writing this to let you know I have read all your emails in response to the MTV show I was on! I read them all and I just want to say a really big THANK YOU! I will eventually reply to those emails when I get a chance. And no I still didn’t have my full body tuck yet to remove all my excess skin. I am now down to 195 and my body is looking better! Love you all!
PS I also wrote a new article for the Huffington Post about watching Obama give his speech at Cairo. It’s interesting and I would love to get your feedback! (Link Below)
Thank You?
May 28th, 2009The MTV show I was on True-Life “I’m Uncomfortable with my new body” has aired, the response has been amazing . . . I mean huge! Almost everyone has seen it. I have hugged like 300 strangers in the past week who assure me “I’m beautiful with excess skin or not”. My goal is to hopefully save (AT LEAST) one child from becoming obese and going through a hard life like I did. So this entry is about a thought I have been thinking about for the past six months. But some lady, who has been observing me for some time now brought it up. She said this (with my best recollection word for word):
“Rocky come here! You’re so damn Sexy! You’re like model cute! The Hair, the eyes, the height, and the body . . . it’s very nice. But your personality doesn’t go with your body! (I screamed WHAT!) I swear! Just listen! ! ! You know that fat girl in high school who was really fat and then she loses all the weight and everyone is like “wow she is pretty” and she still thinks she’s ugly . . . That’s you. “
I didn’t know what to say. I contemplated in my head if she was insulting me or complementing me. But she said it. Honestly . . . every time someone looks at me I think they’re going to make fun of me just like they did when I was fat. But it’s totally different now. I get treated really nice. Strangers have never been kinder. People smile at me for no reason. But still I have my defenses up, my mind fixed on my reaction to another joke I anticipate coming from a stranger. But it’s not like that anymore. People don’t shout out “Fat ass” anymore. It’s like the Halloween costume is off and i’m freakin naked in a new world.
I CAN’T SLEEP
May 2nd, 2009The MTV Show that I am on is airing Saturday morning and I can’t sleep. The title of the show is called “I’m uncomfortable with my new body” and that I am. I lost over 340 pounds with the help of the lap band surgery and hard exercise. I am 21 years old and still in college, it’s taking me a while to get done because I battled morbid obesity, had weight loss surgery and now dealing with a full body tuck. The MTV show is about my excess skin and how uncomfortable it makes me. I was supposed to have the surgery two months ago but I wasn’t at my lowest weight possible. So I plan to have this surgery in the summer. I don’t know if I should be excited or scared that in a couple of hours millions of people are going to know my problem. A problem I hid so well from everyone with the help of tummy tuckers, spandex shorts and body wrappers. But if anything this is a true story and if it helps to let someone know what life is like after losing so much weight then let it air! I hope they just understand how much I am going through. And just how crappy it is that people made fun of me everyday when I was fat. And now as a skinny person I am called “Cute and sexy”. It’s hard for me to mentally transition from a fat monster to a cute guy. But if anything losing this much weight has introduced me to a brand new life. A life of socializing, partying, dancing, hanging out all these I still don’t feel comfortable trying.
Bad Relationship?
April 3rd, 2009Since I was fifteen I have been telling radio stories about a subject very close to me, my battle with obesity. I use a microphone recorder to record my deepest thoughts, interviews with my teasing family members and try to answer questions about my continued overeating. At home we don’t have sit down time in which we share our emotions or talk about ……let say “emotional eating.” That simply is too much to deal with or understand for my Middle Eastern mom and Cleveland, Ohio born dad. I’m guessing high school didn’t offer parenting courses. But my relationship has been with my recorder. Every time I feel emotional I turn the recorder on and express how I’m feeling, sometimes I cry, laugh or just complain. But the feeling, the idea that something has registered how I feel and doesn’t make fun of me or judge me, feels so good. I’m guessing that’ why my radio stories have been so popular. But I’m learning now that maybe some of that judging and teasing can help me see things from a different perspective. Honestly at 21, I am learning I can replace the microphone for a friend. A caring and supportive friend. I have been looking for that at home for so long but with bad results. So here it is, let’s put our cells, myspace, facebook, ipods, and other electronic devices down and see what an actual human being has to say. There is nothing like a face-to-face interaction with someone that cares about you. Give it a try, maybe a stranger, maybe that person you married?
Finally my Before And After Pictures (After Losing 327 Pounds)
March 13th, 2009
Fight for the Unknown: Watching Gaza From the U.S.
February 27th, 2009I was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. I am the youngest of eight siblings from a Palestinian Family. My mom’s family still lives in Jerusalem.
At home we have a special satellite dish which broadcasts news from overseas. When the fighting gets bad in Israel, my mom cries and yells every night. She screams for us to come downstairs and witness the tragedy on television. Violent images of dead bodies and people crying keep showing up on these news shows.
It started all over again when the war in Gaza started. However, I can’t force myself to see this situation from my mom’s passionate perspective. My sisters and my mom go to Jerusalem every summer. They love their homeland. I refuse to go. I don’t feel I am connected to a land I don’t know that much about. I also fear that I am putting my life in danger going to a war zone. My grandmother calls my mom sometimes and fills her in on the violence, which makes everyone sad. I try so hard to push away all these news reports and close my ears and eyes. What I try to do is understand this conflict from a fair point of view. I think the Israeli people have every right to guard and protect themselves from missile attacks and terrorist threats. And because of that, my sister screams that I have become “Americanized”.
It was my friendship with many Jewish people that changed my perspective about this conflict. Sometimes we even joke about how we are supposed to hate each other. My friend Sarina begs me not to “throw a rock” and I beg her not to bomb my neighborhood because I threw a rock. I also babysit for a Jewish family. I have grown to love this family like my own. They treat me with such respect and passion and they always tell me: “Make yourself at home”. I know some would call me a traitor for this, but I find it so beautiful that I help watch their children and house. Even my mom, who runs a daycare center with a lot of Jewish kids, has built very strong and loving relationships with their families.
But I also know she has probably gone through some hard times here in the US. I often find it extremely hard to say that my family is from Palestine. I fear I will be stereotyped. I used to wear a Middle Eastern scarf around my neck. After September 11, a lot people started looking at me like I had a bomb, and a couple of times I even got stopped by the police. It was a horrible feeling. I can only imagine how my sister feels, she always wears the scarf. From an early age I felt it wasn’t cool to look or act Middle Eastern. That’s why I like using my middle name Rocky.
When I look at all this madness in Gaza and Israel, I simply can’t understand why across the globe we can’t live together. Why at the holiest place on earth there is so much violence and death. I think we can live together under one government, not looking at people as Muslims or Jews.
By: Samr “Rocky” Tayeh
A WEEK OF REGRET
February 20th, 2009I have an adjustable gastric band around my stomach that controls how much food I can eat. With hard exercise and a restricted diet I lost over 300 pounds. For two years I have been eating based on my lap band. Every single bite of food I take has to be in tiny sizes. I have to constantly make sure I’m chewing enough to avoid throwing up. Soups, smoothies, and liquids were my main diet for the past two years. But with one trip to the doctor’s office and an adjustment to my gastric band, I am free again. I could now eat anything I want with no restriction on the amount or type of food. The first thing I did was visit a local dinner. I ordered all the foods I desired. I couldn’t do that before, just sit down at a diner, order a regular meal, not worry about chewing thoroughly and just enjoy. I couldn’t stop ordering food. I ordered a “Thanksgiving dinner” to make up for the thanksgiving I spent alone in my room. I couldn’t eat a full plate on thanksgiving so to avoid the awkwardness I hid in my room while my family enjoyed a turkey with relatives. I ordered a hamburger to make for all the times I couldn’t eat one with friends. I ordered six milk shakes and wanted more. I loved every second of it. I allowed myself to continue eating by convincing myself “today” was a celebration of my weight loss. But that celebration lasted everyday for the rest of the week. Now five days later I gained over 50 pounds and I feel fatter then ever. My new jeans are now extremely tight on me and my body is going back to its original size very quickly. For a while I thought if the gastric band helped me lose this much weight it has enabled me to have more self control. But I realized that same hunger that never gets satisfied still exists without the gastric band. There is something wrong with me. I don’t get that “enough, stop eating” signal. I also eat with a lot of emotion, each bite of food I take I am thinking of something emotional in my past. At times it’s happy eating and at times it’s sad eating. I learned I don’t have control. I am so sad that I gained so much weight and allowed myself to get out of control. It was this Rocky that become morbidly obese. It was this Rocky that made food his best friend, inside his room and away from people. But Life as a morbidly obese person means being made fun of and treated like shit. Which means I am putting the liquid back in my gastric band. Back to the skinner Rocky, the Rocky people smile at.
*Rocky Tayeh is the original Author of this post (Feb.2009)
